A Time of Reflection

For the past few months, I have been battling with severe depression.

Is it situational? I don’t have a job anymore. I am stuck at home with basically not much to do other than homeschool, cook, and clean. For some, this may seem overwhelming, but for me I feel I still have too much time. Too much time to be self-critical, and too much time to reflect on the past. I have always believed the idle mind is the devil’s mind. I went from working full time, working out, and taking care of my family daily to a life disrupted by this horrible virus. Many of us are experiencing this drastic change. While others may be loving it, I absolutely am having difficulty dealing with it.

The past few weeks I was in a really dark place. Time lets your mind wander in so many different directions. For example, I would find myself recounting all of the times I felt betrayed, deceived, rejected, used, etc. Everyone expresses sadness in a different way. For me, my sadness turns to anger. I have no one but myself to blame. These past few weeks have taught me a lot about myself. I searched for happiness in others, and approval in others. For example, a week ago I accidentally messaged the wrong person. I realized I had not spoken to this person in a while, so I made an excuse and said “Ramadan Mubarak, just making my rounds”, (After I realized it was the wrong person). And I stated we should stay in touch and what not, not wanting them to think I mistakenly texted. You know how this person responded? “I don’t know you at all. You look after yourself”. To me it was extremely insulting! And I immediately wanted to fight back like, “listen I was just trying to be kind”. I stopped myself, it’s the month of Ramadan. I realized she is capable of giving one thing, insults. I took a moment and analyzed the situation and felt comforted knowing she has nothing good to give. So, I am not worrying about it anymore. I personally would never want to be like this person or be remembered this way.

A few good things I gained out of this whole mess: we can use this time for self-realization and self-reflection. I realized I set my bar way too high for expectations. I will not expect anything from people. Something I have been trying to tell myself for years. Why is it that we search for others approval or expect something good in return if we are good? I was proud of myself that I fought back my knee jerk reaction of telling her the truth. I just let it be. Walking away and silence are sometimes better than anything. During the next few weeks I plan on working on only expecting from myself and God. Disappointment can lead you down a dark path, and I need to accept that I can only expect the best from myself. I am in control of my destiny and experiences.

The other side effect of isolation is depression. For someone who has depression, this is not a good time. Since we are now in the time Covid-19 and I am unable to see my therapist, I tried online therapy. Not judging or telling anyone not to do this, but it did not help me at all. I feel like virtually, it’s harder to express and get answers on a more personal level. So, instead I felt I had learned so much about myself through the past year that I could control my own thought process.

I realized I was not raised to love myself. In order for us to achieve self-contentment, we should try our best to make ourselves happy and do good always. Just because that one girl was a complete A-hole doesn’t mean I need to become one. Always maintain your dignity and expect to hold yourself accountable in every aspect in your life. Having expectations only from God will only lead you to the path of happiness.

I hope my ramblings made some sense and I look forward to your comments!

(To those of you who may not know what Ramadan is, Ramadan is the holiest month for Muslims where we believe that Satan is locked up and we are held accountable for our own bad deeds. During this month we fast from sunrise to sunset to experience the hardships of the poor, and less fortunate. It is supposed to be a very humbling month for people.)