Ask Yourself — Are You Where You Want to Be in Your Life?

As I enter my birthday week, it’s typical of me to sit back and analyze my life.  Last week the realization that I still am not where I wish I would have been at age 42 hit me hard.  Instead of being grateful, I saw myself spiraling into depression.  There were days when I literally was finding it hard to get out of bed, little things would upset me, and I couldn’t see the beauty in things I had trained myself to see.

Yes, if you are reading this, it all sounds soooo Selfish!  I understand, I know.  I sometimes feel so helpless that depression takes over my life, my mind, and affects my family.  This is when I start seeking therapy more than twice a month and focus on once a week.

Always have the courage to express your feelings.

What is it that I am so unhappy about? 

I have a friend who wishes to remain unnamed and is a psychiatrist.  She asked me why, why I feel the way I am feeling.  Yes, not all relationships are amazing, not everyone’s lives are perfect, but Why do I find it so hard to be happy?  My answers to her “maybe I am self-destructive? I allow people to use me. I allow certain people I love to treat me badly.”

How many of you have been victims of gaslighting situations?

Where you feel if you voice your feelings, the person gets upset and angry at you.  Why is it that we can’t express how we feel freely without someone turning it into, “Oh you like to argue, you like making bigger things out of situations”?  I always and always speak my mind, to many that may seem I am very strong and can handle anything.  No! We are all built the same.  If you feel a certain way in a relationship you should be able to express it, and if the person loves you, he or she should appreciate your honesty rather than accuse and belittle you. When I say relationship, I mean ANY relationship… husband/wife, parents, siblings, friends, etc.

Here is a typical gaslighting situation:

I have a friend who was in an awful situation, from the outside you could see the guy was trying to make her feel like things were always her fault.  She gave her life and soul to the relationship; she would buy him things that he probably didn’t deserve.  He would hide these facts from his family and friends, instead he spread rumors about her when he was finished.

I used to tell her “look if someone loves you, they will do anything in their power to be with you.”  This guy was single, so it’s not like he had another girlfriend or wife.  I watched her as she would blame herself. He would say “you always do this!” and “because of you we fight”.  He knew her weakness was her love for him.  Instead of appreciating it, he used it to his advantage. He would use tactics like the “silent treatment” or “blocking” to make her beg for him to forgive her for something she didn’t even do. I know now she’s doing much better without him.

I don’t think she would have left him had he not gone to the extreme cases of horrible rumors.  She once believed he was her soulmate. I always told her No… her soulmate or other half is out there waiting to appreciate her honesty and giving personality.  Now he’s miserable and alone with his narcissistic /sadistic behavior while she’s been given another chance at love.

In the past, I too have been victim to behaviors such as this.  At that time, you believe you are horrible.  It is your fault they blocked you, your fault you feel miserable.  All the while not recognizing that you are being manipulated.  Real love allows you to have the freedom to express your feelings.

So, how does this mix with what’s going on in the world?

During this time of Coronavirus and social isolation I have had so much time to myself.  As my friends complain about their kids driving them nuts, I really do not have much to complain about except I feel lonely.  I have one son, and he’s amazing, very easy going.  My husband works long hours and when he’s home it’s like he’s not really home.  He’s married to his work and this leaves me to feel quite isolated, no pun intended.  I understand, and I always have but depression gets us when we least expect it. I tend to reflect more on the bad than the good.  And with the way things are now, I am not able to go see my therapist.

I wanted to share with all of you. For those of you having a hard time coping during this time of social isolation, I have found that Talkspace is a great place to turn to during this time.


I look forward to reading all your comments.

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