Most wonderful time of the year or not?
As we approach the Holidays, we are exposed to different feelings. Some experience euphoria, excitement, sorrow, loss, and nostalgia are a big trigger for those feelings. Sometimes these can lead to painful memories or experiences. When I was younger, I would see the holiday season as the “most wonderful time of the year”. I loved the annual lighting of the Christmas trees around the city, the crowds in the malls, and most of all the festive happiness. If I had had a sucky year it gave me hope for a better year ahead.
A brave face.

For some people it isn’t as exciting, and they actually dread this time of the year. Even for me, things have changed. It reminds me of someone who is no longer with us and brings back the feelings of anxiety, sadness, and a fear of falling into great depression. As a mother to a seven-year-old, I try my best to stay positive and do what is needed to display an optimistic appearance, I focus mainly on him.
December 15 is around the corner and happens to be the birthday of my dearest friend who passed away. The days leading up to the day fill my heart with grief and sadness, and the questions of “why was he taken from us so soon?”. I am a firm believer in God’s plan, and I have to believe that was the will of God. But, it’s us who are left behind with infinite memories which cannot be erased.
Many people suffer from SAD, seasonal affected disorder, affecting 10 million Americans each year. Studies have also shown 10 to 20% may be suffering from a milder form*.
The reason I am writing about this is because I have had a few very candid conversations with people regarding my blog. Some feedback I received was about the mental health section of the blog. Some said, “depression is a choice”. I wholeheartedly disagree. Let me be very clear, NO ONE and I mean NO ONE chooses to be “depressed”, “anxious”, or “angry”. I am living proof of that. I don’t know when I began to have depression, or when it became chronic, all I know is I suffer from it, but there are ways to control it. The stigma on mental health is out of control, and people need to educate themselves about the facts.
It’s not something you can just snap out of.
I decided to reach out to two Doctors who deal with patients suffering from depression, and other disorders. I first reached out to my childhood friend, Dr. X., and I told her about the claims that depression is a choice. Dr. X. has been practicing Psychiatry for over 10 years. Her exact words were “that person is more than welcome to come and see my patients ‘choosing’ to be depressed because of the depression caused by either childhood trauma, life experience, bad childhoods, or just genetics”. She basically summed it up by suggesting those who have doubts to read studies published online, or Psychology Today. There’s an actual article there where you can read about it. Read Article
Dr. X is one of my oldest friends, and we have been through elementary through Undergrad together. She has seen me in my lowest and understands that it’s not something I have ever wanted.
Dr. Shandana Ayub is a Psychiatrist in London, UK. She’s a close family friend and I wanted to know her perspective. I posed the question “Is Depression a Choice”?
Her answer, “Depression is more than ‘feeling sad’ like so many people think. It’s an illness, a complex one at that. Every patient I have ever seen would give anything not to have it. It’s an illness that isolates you from everything you hold dear, it makes you neglect yourself. It can make you psychotic, it can make you catatonic. You feel worthless that you feel the world would be better off without you. I’ve seen those who respond to treatment, life returns in their eyes, and things have meaning again. When you see that, you know it would never be a ‘choice’ that anyone would make. Imagine if we felt diabetes and hypertension were a choice?”
Her words resonate with my heart and my exact thoughts. Who wants to be unhappy?
Hits like a Wave.
I want to be completely transparent here. I wake up happy. Not going to lie, but as the day progresses, I am sometimes hit by a wave of sadness or extreme feelings of helplessness. When I was a child, I didn’t know how to channel it, so I would fight through it by expressing anger. I am the first to put myself down, and at times I have been my own worst enemy. Achieving something great was something I never felt I deserved. I still remember during my undergrad years going out with my mother as she boastfully spoke about my sister and brothers. She always discussed how they were all becoming “doctors”, and I always waited for her to say something encouraging or positive about me, but that never happened.
Even a few years back my father had open heart surgery, and I was devastated, first I had no idea what was happening. Watching my father lay there with a tube going into his chest, I almost fainted. I remember crying inconsolably, and my siblings assuring me he was looking great for post op. I remember feeling terrified and desperate for God to make him ok. When he woke up, he introduced all of us to his doctors, but he kind of skipped over me. I remember feeling a twinge of sadness and I held back my tears.
I realized that day nothing I ever will do will ever make them proud. Knowing this as a fact is a very tough pill to swallow. My dad isn’t a bad person, he just doesn’t know anything more than Medicine. I have to believe my parents love me, but never approved of my path. That is why my confidant, Adil, was so important in my life. I had never had someone be so extremely proud of me. He would be beaming with pride when he introduced me to people. It was almost embarrassing because I wasn’t used to being praised, and I always downplayed all of my accomplishments. When God took him away, he took away my biggest cheerleader, I was so lost without him. It sounds so selfish but it’s so true, as individuals we all want to be appreciated. I live with regrets, not giving him a huge bear hug, or telling him how his presence was such a necessity in my life.
So, do I choose to feel this way? No.
* https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder
Read More
November 1, 2022
Grief
Grief is the most intense emotion a human can feel. The trauma before and after is something that feels unbearable. Grief kills your soul, kills your will to be who you once thought you would become. I don’t see the “light at the end of the tunnel”, there is no such thing for me right now.
June 10, 2021
What is Change?
Change is exactly what the word means. Change is when you leave behind anything that is a regular part of your life.
December 8, 2020
Sadaf
There once was a girl who often dreamed she was destined for more than what her city had to offer. Shy, quiet, lost in her thoughts, unaware of what life had in store for her. Celebrating "Being Sadaf"!
October 1, 2020
Health Comes First
October is Breast Cancer Month. Never Delay a routine checkup! At the end of July, I went in for my annual Mammogram screening.
July 10, 2020
Growing Up Brown in the USA
When I was a child my father would tell me, he wanted to eventually move back to Pakistan. I used to be terrified and worried when this would happen because I was born in America, it’s home.
June 19, 2020
A Live With Maheen
People know her as a gorgeous face turned fashion designer, married into a high profiled family. She is also known as Pakistan’s fashion icon, and a trend setter. But, she is so much more than that.
June 19, 2020
Spike in Human Trafficking during the COVID-19 Pandemic: An Interview with Jacquelyn Aluotto
The COVID-19 pandemic has shockingly led to more than “230,000 victims in Texas. I really had little understanding of how victims are targeted and how we can help them.
June 2, 2020
A Zoom Interview with Chau Nguyen: Domestic Abuse During Covid-19
Houston Area Women's Center (HAWC). Help is available during COVID-19. Visit hawc.org or call (713) 528-2121 to get 24/7/365 help.
May 5, 2020
A Time of Reflection
Life disrupted by this horrible virus? While others may be loving this time, I absolutely am having difficulty dealing with it. A personal test of resiliency and patience.
April 2, 2020
An Interview with Miss Houston, Blaine Ochoa
Blaine's determination, personality, and love of our city has proven she absolutely deserves that Crown of Miss Houston.
March 31, 2020
Are You Happy?
As I enter my birthday week it’s typical of me to sit back and analyze my life. Last week the realization that I still am not where I wish I would have been at age 42 hit me hard.
March 16, 2020
Social Distancing: A Good Time to Cut Away Toxic People
Time to detox yourself from toxic people. Who knew that we would be in a time and place where a virus would literally change the way we live our lives?
February 25, 2020
An Interview with Aisha Farooqui
I am honored to interview my special friend and official spokesperson of Ministry of Foreign Affairs for Pakistan, Aisha Farooqui. A born leader with a heart of gold and the mind to change the world.
November 6, 2019
My Life as a Working Mom
I love reading blogs about mothers who talk about the incredibly tough job of staying home and raising their kids...
November 1, 2019
Mental Health Matters
Let's talk mental health. I’ve come to wonder why are we so afraid of other people’s negative comments? Do their comments define who we are as individuals or shape our future?