What does it mean to you?
Starting over can hold various meanings for different people—perhaps a new job, a change of scenery, a new vehicle, or making new friends. For me, starting over was a true “starting over,” but this time with my young son. I struggled to accept that there was no way to “return” to what had been. With Rehan gone, the only option left was to create a fresh beginning and move forward.
Rafae and I
Starting over for us meant accepting that there were no “rewind buttons” to change the hardships we had faced. The father of my child, my late husband Rehan Aslam, was gone. I felt confused, hurt, and utterly devastated. There were days when I struggled to look at my son without grappling with the guilt of bringing him into a world filled with chaos and the loss of his “best buddy.” I had always taken on the role of the strict parent while dads got to come home and enjoy playful moments with their kids. Who were we now? The absence of identity left me feeling lost. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere anymore. My new reality seemed to lie within the single moms’ club, which is frankly quite disheartening. I didn’t want to burden my parents or my sister’s family—they had already endured so much alongside us; even those four months and ten days had been incredibly tough for them. For them, it raised questions like “Why did this happen to my nephew and sister?” or “Why did this have to happen to my child?”
It took me a solid six months to emerge from my hiding place. Whenever I could, I relished the idea of escaping the city and retreating somewhere quiet. I just wasn’t prepared to confront the outside world yet. The pitying glances people threw my way made me feel uncomfortable—those looks filled with sympathy and sorrow were unbearable for me. Ugh, I can’t stand that kind of attention. I’ve never considered myself a victim. Yet here I was, six months in, still trying to figure out who I’m meant to be now.
I came to the conclusion that I can’t change my core self; all I can do is tweak certain aspects and keep pursuing what I am most passionate about. My mission is to empower, assist, and inspire others to lead their best lives. One thing I’ll always cherish is the gift of waking up healthy each day.
xoxo,
Sadaf
